Signals and Mirrors

What’s your story? Is your story what you had hoped for? Are you rich and famous? As a teen, I wanted to change history or be a dictator of a small country. Who’s telling your story? Is it you, or is your story reflected back to you from others? Are you the author or just a reader? “It isn’t the events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgements about them.” – Epictetus. Is the glass half empty or half full? You decide what’s true. 

I’m not talking about sprinkling artificial sweetener on your life, like positive affirmations. I’m talking about being wise enough to reframe your judgements, your understanding. I enjoy hearing how people overcame all the odds to achieve success, but I’m more impressed with the single mom that can get her child ready for school without screaming. Heaven is full of saints we’ve never heard of and who have quietly wiped tears, cooked meals, cleaned floors and typically without any acknowledgement or reward.

I’m turning 57 in a week or so, and I have to admit I’m past halfway to the end. A few years ago, I had to decide how I wanted to live the next 30 to 40 years. Did I want to sit around and soak in regret? Did I want to be bitter, angry, disappointed? I could. I have a justifiable crappy childhood. I have grounds to complain. So what happens next? Who am I hurting? I know of a family that experienced a horrible tragedy, and it wasn’t their fault. The mother was killed in a car accident. The grandmother raised the children, and she was understandably angry and bitter at fate. She constantly talked about the loss, and she fought in courts for years to only get a fraction of what she was due. I thought there were two tragedies in her story. One was the tragic accident that took the life of her daughter, and the other was her choice to sacrifice her life to bitterness and regret. I used her example as my own lesson. What kind of life do I want? I decided to be grateful. I’m honestly and genuinely grateful for the chance to live. 

I get to decide what attitude I will take; what path I will walk. Instead of complaining about the few things that I don’t experience, I’m going to celebrate the thousands I have in abundance. At times, I need to reframe what’s happening to me. When I am selfish and my inner-toddler is screaming for attention, I can get angry that my wife doesn’t approve of my decision. Life is about signals and mirrors. The signal is my anger. The mirror is realizing I’m the cause, and I’m the solution. Is the glass half empty? Is my wife controlling? Or is the glass half full? Is my wife loving and wanting what’s best for me? I get to decide, and I am the only one who can decide. 

We all play out patterns of behaviors when triggered. The trick is to shut off autopilot and notice the patterns. Is your reaction serving you or the ones you love? If not, you need to change your pattern. Is your emotion level appropriate for the situation? If not, you are likely living out a script that’s old and needs attention. I flared up once at the mention of a home repair. I noticed my emotion was a bit extreme for the conversation, so I called a therapist I trusted. I met with her a few times and worked out a better script. A script of my choice and not a replay from childhood. 

The life you get is the life you choose, and we are bad at grading our own essay. Reflection and gratitude are the best tools to carve out a better life. What went well? What could you do better? Be kind to yourself and take it slow. If you talked to others like you talk to yourself, you wouldn’t have any friends. Go slow, and get help before you need it. 

Signals and mirrors.