Living in fear.

I don't like being afraid. I live a diminished life when I allow fear to cloud over my day. If I am not careful, I will become very concerned about what might happen. I'm not talking about walking-down-a-dark-alley kind of fear. Danger is real. Safety is wise.

I'm talking about dread, disappointment, regret, grief. I'm talking about grieving a life I would have had if things would be different. I'm struggling to use the correct verb tense. I want to get the idea across that I'm disappointed that a pretend future is not possible because of a what might likely occur. The road block to my ideal future hasn't happened. The obstacle isn't even a whisper; however, I can walk around regretting what could have been.

I call this my fear of 2nd moves. Here's a real world example to help explain. My marriage has suffered over the years because of my fear of 2nd moves. I was angry, felt controlled and had decided this wasn't the marriage I wanted. I blamed my wife. My thinking went, "If it wasn't for her, I would live the life I wanted. She was keeping me from following God's call. Because of her, I wasn't allowed to pursue my true dream."

This is embarrassing to say out loud, but it's true. I was a mess. And it was 100% my own fault, and it is my 100% responsibility. I just didn't know it at the time. We have been married nearly 27 years. One of the reasons we have remained married is a breakfast years ago where my wife simply said, "You be the best person you can be and don't worry at all about who you think I want you to be."

I was surprised to learn all of my dread, regret, and disappointment was a lie. She didn't respond in any of the ways I was certain she would. Turns out she wanted the same life I did. I never asked. I thought I was smart. I thought I knew her 2nd move. I lived in fear and anger of her 2nd move. I lived a life much less than was possible. A wonderful life was all around me, and I refused to accept it. I refused because I was smart. I had it figured out.

I thought I had learned my lesson, but here I am again. This time it's between me and God. I was afraid. What if I don't want to do what God wants me to do? What if, what if, and what if -- all the 2nd moves. Like an alarm going off in the dark, I realized, "Here I am again!" And I get to decide. Accept or Reject. :)